BBCA 7: Retail therapy.

• Top: Torrid (previously)
• Cami: Maurices
• Vest: Maurices (previously)
• Skirt: Target
• Pumps: Payless

This outfit is part of Melissa's Blogging for Breast Cancer aWEARness challenge. I know I only said I would do it for a week, but I had a little more pink than I thought, so I figured I would just keep on going a bit longer. This outfit is actually from a couple of weeks ago, but I never posted it. And yes, its with the same vest and button down as another recent post. I told everyone they would be seeing it again soon. :)

Last week Lori from the awesome blog lorispeak made a comment that inspired this post: wow. I was wondering if you remixed at all! I'm amazed at how many clothes (and especially awesome shoes) you have! I do have to say, it's really fun to remix and see who you can make items take on a totally different feel. I like that you remixed these shoes into this outfit. It'd be a pity not to show them more than once! :)

Walmart is open 24 hours a day. I know this because for many years I experienced intense shame over my interest, and it was the only place I felt I could shop. I would wait until the quiet hours of the night and go out and "browse" the sections next to the women's clothing until I could work up the courage to go look at clothes. If no one was around, all the better. I did not know my size and I was way too timid to ask to try anything on. I would repeat the waiting near the cash registers until lines were short or empty, and while the cashier ringed me up, I couldn't look anyone in the eyes, and I just hoped I no one would get in line behind me. One of the last times I ever did this, a man started following me around, so I left the store, only to get confronted in the parking lot. The man was a plain clothes store security person who was convinced I was shoplifting. I managed to convince him I hadn't taken anything, but it was a seriously unnerving experience.

Of course, in that period of my life, even when I bought things, I would only keep them a few days. During this period, the shame and guilt would pile on, and I would reach the breaking point, and too ashamed to dare make a return, I would throw away my purchases. Luckily, many of them were from Walmart, and at least they were cheap. Later on, I would discover this is a pretty common problem among people who crossdress.

Thankfully, I'm past a lot of that shame. I now have a closet overflowing with shoes and clothes, and I haven't thrown anything away in 3-4 years, and I have no plans to do that again. But during this period, I kept asking myself the question, "Why do I have these clothes?" I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, but these are not my "work" clothes, and these aren't my "going out with friends" clothes. Most of the time I spend wearing clothes, I'm wearing them for other people. I finally realized that these clothes are for when I dress for myself. Unfortunately, getting dressed to the nines to watch TV with my wife is not the height of fulfillment. Even worse, now that its "okay" for me to shop, I've started shopping a lot more. I have joked at times that I'm "making up for lost time". And there is possibly some truth to that, I didn't really get to enjoy shopping or dressing for myself until 4 years ago. I had never owned a dress until 4 years, I had never even owned a pair of heels that actually fit.

This post is about shopping, but its impossible for me to talk about shopping without talking about my background. I was shopping too much, but that was really a minor problem. I dress for myself, but I didn't have many people to share that passion with or opportunities to use my clothes, and so I guess I found myself "doubling down" on shopping for more cute stuff. So while I have not gone on a shopping ban, one reason I started this blog was so that I could share the clothes and shoes I already have. Here, while I'm not exactly dressing for other people, I am sharing a creative outlet in clothing with other people. But this blog has actually helped me shop less. Instead of retail therapy, I guess I have blog therapy now. Unfortunately, it did take a while for me to learn my size and how to dress, and what I actually liked and how to talk about it. I'm still learning. So while I love the idea of remixing, one goal I decided early on was that I would force myself to go through all of my shoes and all the clothes in my closet before letting myself do a lot more shopping. In the process, I thought I might be able ask any readers for their thoughts if I was thinking about getting rid of something.

Unfortunately, this is one part philosophizing and one part consumerism, but I certainly don't want to the promote the idea that anyone needs to shop or not, and where to shop, or not. My wife and I are lucky in that we can afford this indulgence on my part, and one of the things I love most about sharing with other bloggers is the diverse backgrounds they come from, and their unique experience and the context in which they live.

So when it comes to actually shopping in stores, I'm doing better. I no longer hide from the clerks, although I am always with my wife. I think a couple of the clerks think I am the most understanding husband ever. Although they occasionally express surprise at the sizes we buy. Unfortunately, since a few stores only cater to women, I don't always get to try stuff on in the store. Although I did have a wonderful experience at a Nine West store once. The clerk was not only extremely helpful, but explained that she has helped plenty of male customers shopping for themselves (I guess Eddie Izzard was right, "there are more of us than you know"). At the end of the day though, most of my shopping is done online.

I hope this was interesting! And I will be remixing for Meli's Wardrobe capsule challenge next week, and I will be doing some remixing off and on, because I always want to make a great outfit! And I will still be shopping, but I also want to eventually put all my clothes on this blog too! Dressing for yourself gets lonely too, and this is something I used to be ashamed of, but now I enjoy and I enjoy sharing it. And I guess one big part of this blog really is about self acceptance. I had a reader suggest that, and I have realized how true that is. Thanks for reading!

I really enjoy writing "question and answer" posts, so always feel free to ask questions in the comments! I also have to thank my wife and another good friend for the feedback and proofreading on today's post. And of course, today's pictures were taken by my amazing wife!